Aaaaand Christmas is over, leaving my girlfriend and myself a fridge filled with chocolate... T_T

We'll get through it slowly though. So all should be good. Now for the new years celebrations. Not 100% certain on what's going on anymore but it should prove for an interesting end of the year. Between having people over for games, movies and drinks and my girlfriend possibly going out clubbing for the night it will be interesting.

So between having one of her friends stay from the 30th until the 1st or 2nd of January it should prove to be quite different part of my holidays.

Now I'm off to grab a drink and kick back for a bit. So nyeh

Had to do something to bump that shitty old journal off my front page.


All is well these days. Well, for the most part. Being sick is bad but I'm slowly getting over that. As for what's happening... It's almost holiday time! It's good having my workplace shutdown for two weeks over christmas (Though a lot of them do these days I guess). I'm looking forward to getting some house work done - As strange as that sounds.


World of Warcraft has finally tipped my hatred for Blizzard just over the edge. With the amount of time that they've been in the gaming industry and the amount of money they make, you'd expect that they can at least trial their updates on their own private servers and test them before releasing them. The fact that they hadn't released an official patch through this last set of maintenance yet they managed to cock up PvP gear NPCs and lose peoples in-game mail... It's a quality of service that you'd expect from a beginning company.

So, with all of my mail with my valuable materials frozen across my numerous characters... I shall await to see just what happens to my items and how long it takes. I'm also anticipating upcoming nerfs to my Mage with the release of Wrath of the Lich King and pretty much the fun getting destroyed out of what remains.

If that happens I'll be rushing out and buying two copies of Warhammer: Age of Reckoning and WARing it up over my holidays.

That's all from me - Hope everyone's doing well.
Bye!

If you haven't read my last two entries, head over to them and have a read.


Now if you head over to *witchsayian you can follow on the story which is our lives.

Okay, I just have to get a little bit more of what's been happening in my head lately off my chest.

Through the past few days, even though I've been with friends trying to distract the crap out of me so that I don't think of the lady I still love... Nobody's managed to kep my mind off of her.

I don't think anybody can right now. Even if she doesn't realise it all of the conversations that we had, we planned our future little by little. We told eachother what we really wanted. Right down to whether or not when we were married and had a kid what gender we prefered and we even talked about names on numerous occassions. We were and atleast I still am crazy about her!

*Facepalm* The reason why I broke it off was in hope that she may just realise how much I love her even if she wasn't able to make up her mind. I've dreamt about her every bloody night since and it's not recalling the past... My head and heart keep showing me everything we'd talked about together. Hell, I just woke up from dreaming that we were married and she was carrying my child! We didn't even own our own house like I'd hoped, we were renting but that's just proved to me how realistic it was. I had full control in the dream too - I lived out my life in the dream how I would if it was really happening. And A LOT of the time I hope that my dreams turn into dejavu because that'd mean that everything worked out the way we both had wanted.

I won't lye to anybody... I wish I could be back with her more and more with every passing minute. And I guess I won't know if I can/will be until she's made up her mind. Atleast until then she knows even though I ended our relationship... I still love her and do want her back. Whether or not she'll be too stubborn to think about coming back to me is a different matter. Hell I can almost quote her in saying that she never ever wanted to go back and be with one of her Ex's. I guess I don't really look upon that as seriously as I did before under the current circumstances. But hey, seeing as I'm now an ex... I hope that the love we've shared for 2 years will be strong enough to bring her back to me.



Oh - I have the undying urge to just walk out in the street and yell at the top of my lungs. If you read this beautiful (And it's a lot of text so I doubt you will), you're not the only one that feels confused. I've asked many people a question that they've not been able to answer and I've said the answer to you many times however the answer for me remains the same right now it's not possible. So I'll finish the journal on a philosophical question straight from my soul.


If home is where the heart is and your heart's been ripped out of your chest, where can you now call home?

(My answer is with her because I know and feel like my home IS with her. And my reality at the moment is, without her, no place feels like home. No matter where I go there's a massive big empty feeling that I've never felt before in my life and I've been dumped by many girls. None of them had made me feel like I don't belong somewhere... But now I don't know where to be or what to do. I have a house to go back to but it's not a home without her, she hate's the place due to my parents and after all that's happened, they've turned from actually liking her to barely being able to understand that I love her with all my heart. They'll allow her to live there still if she finally sorts her head out and realises she loves me... But either way, until we found our own place again, which we were trying to hit on the head - she won't feel happy being there but I'd have to ask quite a few things to be done and I know that she won't like them BUT it'd be going for the ultimate goal or her. We needed to find her a job and we both failed at it. If you come back... If she comes back... I really do want her to go back and sign up with one of the recruitment and training places near where we were staying as atleast they can train her. Then we might both be able to get away together and spend more time together. I won't have to worry about money as much which means we can even go out and have fun more often.

I know she wanted to go clubbing... Almost all of my friends have said that next time if she wanted to go clubbing that all we have to do is call them and ask them to join us. They know I want to be able to go and enjoy myself with her even though I can't now. Atleast I recognise that clubbing is something that she was born to do, it's in her nature, I don't like it and I can't do it but I'm willing to go out and try and now I have a group of friends that'll come out with us to try and help me cope so I DO last the entire night! She'd changed so much to help me out, I hope she just realises that in order to make her happy that I was working on my change. It would've been far easier for her to give up clubbing entirely like she did when she was with me... But I have to work through a fear in order to go clubbing, she knows that, which's why I have to ease into it with her and friends if I'm going to be able to do it.

v_v I can't change by myself, my brain just can't handle much. She's even seen me be unable to go out and do grocery shopping because I've paniced in an almost empty shopping centre. I just hope she'll be able to see and remember that every time we left the house, not a single time did I really want to go BUT I did, because I knew that I couldn't keep her cooped up in a house and each time we went out she'd know if I was having trouble, quite a few times I put on a strong face and said no, however I felt like I needed some days out when she didn't have to worry about me and we could just enjoy ourselves.

And I blew this out of proportion again. I guess there's just a lot running through my mind and all of this doesn't even touch the tip of the iceburg.

Hey everyone,

Why is it that we people only really seem to update journals when something horrible or really good happens in our lives? I guess I fall into the category quite a bit from the past and the present because this's nowhere near a happy post of mine.

After roughly 2 years of dating and living together myself and my partner just broke up. She felt torn between one of her Ex boyfriends and myself and decided she'd rather spend her time with him than with me so after two nights without her and hearing her refuse to come back and stay with me I decided it was time to break things off.

When I write it like that it sounds easy to do. But from my point of view it's been the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. I've suffered the crushing blow quite a few times and I know how it feels but this was far worse. Telling someone that you love and cherish and wanted to get married to (And was a few months off proposing >.< that it's all over and knowing that she wouldn't talk with you about what's happening in her head and heart... It cuts deep. I've heard a lot of things said over this past weekend and not only about her. A lot of people think that there shouldn't've been any choice over who to stay with and I agree, I would gladly leave a dying Ex's side to be with my current partner of two years. I'd leave my family's side if they were dying to have been with her... But I guess it's just to show that even though her life was going nowhere and I knew, I tried to help but with the constant bad attitude towards getting out and finding work it was just too depressing to force it on her.

As her lover I just wanted to see her happy. I would've loved if she could have tried a bit harder and approached finding work with a better attitude but I can't make her change that I could only try and support her by helping her look on the odd occassion and telling her that if she wants to go out and put resumes in that I'll take a day off and go with her because she was scared of the confrontation with them.

I'd like to think that she lived a pretty decent life whilst with me. She seemed happy to me the vast majority of the time, we didn't go out too much but when we did we enjoyed it as much as we could (Sure I couldn't go clubbing but you'd find that with the vast majority of people, if you're wanting a steady relationship you put clubbing aside. It's a place heavily used to hook up more than anything and when you're with a partner that can't stand crowds... They understand you love going there to simply dance and they're grateful that you don't because it's a sign that you care and love them.).

I don't think many people would pay $1200 on getting a partner's hair chemically straightenned if they're not working either. Nor buying them a Wii or DS and any games they wanted for them. Virtually all the money I earned during our two years together I dedicated to her because, I knew I couldn't do the one thing which she enjoyed - Clubbing - so I tried to give her other alternatives. A lot of the time, we'd buy something and never really use it again after a month. The Wii was very much so wasted - Sure it got used a fair bit but not in comparison to how much she wanted one. And in those two years, spending over four to 5 thousand dollars on her to buy things to try and occupy her time aswell as mine and things we could do together... I spent (This isn't too hard to sum up for me), Maybe $300 on games, $120 on a guitar, $600 on an amp and throw in the occassional computer upgrade which would've costed about $250... I spent less than the cost of both of her hair straigtennings on myself.

To sum that up, I was quite content in what I had. Good job (High stress though), Beautiful loving and carefull girlfriend, a computer and a guitar. We had our own little unit for most of the time but I was trying to get us out of my parents place... I was living the life and I know she was getting bored, which's why I started trying to get out more even though I HATE going out.

It hurts to feel like her feelings for me could be thrown aside like they have been... And both of us know that my trust in her has been shattered... But to tell EVERYBODY the truth! I still love her nonetheless. I do wish she'd come back to me even after I ended the relationship. She knows the reason why I did it and that was because it hurt me severely knowing that whether or not she comes back to me depended on if her Ex dies today/tomorrow or not. And for 2 years of being together to turn around and be pushed aside within 2-4 days... If she does realise she still loves me, I hope this time she works towards showing it a bit better. I know and I feel like I've laid my arse on the line for her - If she's in trouble I'd rush home from work and on numerous times nearly lost my job for it. It's things like that which I never bothered to tell her about because to be honest, the job's important to me but there're certain people that mean far more than money to me. And she's one of them.

I would love to take her back if she said she does love me and truly did apologise for the past few days. It wouldn't be the same but perhaps it could be better. The fact that she may run off on me again later in life IS in my head but I hope that she may just grow up enough within this current time to realise a few important things about life. Namely, if you love someone, there's nothing you can't talk to them about. She new that I had doubts of our relationship last friday but from a person who beleives his gut, and nailed it head on again... I think she can now understand just WHY I had doubts. Nobody should have to be dropped for someones Ex simply because they play a terminal illness card in life. I'd've been fine if she just went to wish him luck with the operation but from what I heard and my interpretation of it, he's not having any surgury at all.

An operation on your head should not be coupled with drinking only a few nights beforehand. Let alone, you shouldn't be able to tolerate drinking a few nights beforehand. Bleeding from the eyes, nose and mouth when you wake up would generally leave you dead long before an ambulance could get to you too and some of the other stories that were told were even more rediculous than that. For Bopha's sake I really hope that he's not lying to her. I don't want to know that she's been crushed by both myself and him. He better take good fucking care of her too since it seemed like he tried ever-so hard to break her away from me even after he knew we were dating. Either that or he could be genuinely truthful and is having surgury and whatnot in which case, I'm glad that Bopha wasn't played.



I must call on one big favor from all of her friends that I know out there, those that aren't on dA and those that are. If you read this please take my apology from the both of us. If we've said anything to offend our close friends we're sorry. But right now I beleive she needs friends far more than I do even after knowing what pain and heartache I'm in right now. She's been cast aside by her lover, might be left out on the street if this Ex isn't having surgury or even if he is. She's got no income and no money unless he's given her some. All I've done is what I could do and gave her my Monthly 5 zone bus ticket so she can atleast get around if he doesn't give her money. It's got 2 weeks left on it so I hope something will sort itself out for her before it runs out. And if you speak to her or see her... Tell her I say thank you, she's been the best thing in my life for 2 years and I'll never forget her for that.


Now I must go on my own little journey to find out where my home is sadly. I'll more than likely be jumping about houses a lot as I can't stand to be in one spot too long right now. I'll be staying with as many friends as I can and by the looks of it, heading down to sydney to meet our old guild leader from WoW. I just wish she could've accompanied me but with things ending the way they have, I no longer have to save extra to know that we'll be safe and covered no matter what. Atleast if I get stranded down there I can defend myself and live longer with only 1 set of food to buy. It's just sad thinking of how lonely it is doing all the things we used to do together.

Later to those that'll be seeing me, Bye to those that most likely won't.